February 21, 2022 4:41 PM EST
Firstly, I’m 55 and been drinking since I was about 15, a little at first and then more and more as I got older. In 2020 I was taken to the hospital for a check up (that’s another story in itself) they admitted me, blood tests and a CT scan and maybe ultrasound. Blood came back free of drugs but other results weren’t good. CT scan wasn’t great either. I was diagnosed with failure to thrive as an adult, I had acities and my liver didn’t look too good and I had depression. Apparently I had edema as well and to top it off low blood pressure.
Put on meds for blood pressure, 2 types of diuretics, other things and Lactulose - my favorite. I had a procedure to remove the liquid in my abdomen, 5 liters was removed.
So the final outcome was that I had liver disease but were unable to specify (just a note here fibrosis and cirrhosis are not diseases they have an underlying condition that causes them). Because I couldn’t walk without assistance and my house has stairs to get in it I had to go to a nursing home with physical rehab. It was there from one of the physical therapists I learned that I had cirrhosis and at one point they thought it was end stage liver disease. While I was there I had another 6 liters of liquid drain from my abdomen, I had to go back to hospital to have my gall bladder removed because of stones. It was during the operation that my cirrhosis was confirmed by sight. Finally got home in February 2021.
So I have cirrhosis and if I drink I will die - no timeline on it but I’m pretty sure it would be less than a year, to me that was a pretty compelling reason not to drink so that’s the why.
The reasons I don’t use the steps are
1) because my childhood was in the 70’s going to AA had a stigma, yes it was meant to be anonymous but people knew and that is stuck in my brain
2) they say it’s spiritual but I believe it’s about religion, being brought up a catholic I've had enough of that
3) why do they call it the big book if it’s not religious, sounds just like the Bible.
4) I’m as stubborn as they come, hate asking for help (yes it’s a very bad trait if you want to become sober).
Now the how, first question I ask my self is do I want to die, answer is always no. Go on you could have one it won’t do you any harm. If I have one I’ll want more, where will that end. This is all in my head and can take 10 minutes sometime but the sober me always wins.
I don’t go into liquor stores anymore, I have no reason to.
I don’t eat a certain restaurants because it was a place to get a snack while having a drink
I check my blood work any time I have it done, this keeps me on the straight and narrow as well. If I have the results for certain test I work out my MELD score. I have to have an ultrasound every six months on my abdomen to check for liver cancer, having cirrhosis puts my chances up
I want to see my nephews kids grow up, I only get to see them 1 or 2 times a year, I live in the US and they are in the UK.
It’s hard some days not to want to have a drink but if I did I would be letting everyone down including myself which I won’t accept.
Hope this makes sense and if you have any questions just ask
Brendan
